Besides dealing with deadlines after the long hiatus from any work whatsoever, sitting and waiting at the UK Visa application office has to be the most stressful part of the preparation. Knowing you're 20 people behind the first does not make it any easier at all. And having a screaming baby just two metres (or less) away is just the cherry on top. It all adds up, I suppose, but most of all it's the constant busy hum of the office, hushed instructional tones of the worker-girls in blue uniforms that unnerve me the most. Sometimes I think stress is irrational, but I'm beginning to see that few things are otherwise. I can't even read Monocle's Best Cities To Live In article anymore--all I can think of is their fucking immigration office!
When you stand among tall buildings, and your line of sight reaches their bellies, and when the dusk approaches and for the the first time in the day you can see all their colours because the sun is no longer causing you to squint. When you stand against the glass railing and listen to bands sound-testing, and other cafes play the same CD on loop. When you see tired bodies slouch against a bench, with cigarettes between their fingers, and vacant eyes gaze at you for a second, wondering what you're doing lying on the wooden platform, eyes towards the deepening sky.
When you notice every leaf that hangs over you from the adjacent tree, when the mynahs crowd around you only to fly away when you try to photograph them with your phone, that's when you know your life is ending.
you just stop thinkng about it. pretend it doesn't bother you and if you do it long enough it truly doesn't bother you.
but then instead of the screaming there is a negative void. that drains energy (yes it take effort to block out something) on the worst of days. eventually it festers, especially if you've been pretending there was no problem all along.
then when you run out of energy to block it out, all you have to do is let things fall apart.
Going back to church was a breath of fresh air. They (finally) sang the songs I knew (except the one at communion, but then no one really sings at communion)! and the homily was about commitment. Basically, Father Vas' message was about how our "suffering" now, ie, all the things that we don't want to do but have to are a sign of our commitment.
And it gave me new strength to carry on with everything. all the work, even though all i really want to do is plop myself in front of the TV and watch Ellen all day. all the work even if i know I'll be happy even if I don't do very well for my A levels. All this means I haven't given up, and therefore there's still reason to carry on!
it's actually inarticulable, this confoundation i seem to be facing...
i feel like in my heart i've got a big stone. and it can't be persuaded away like i have for the longest time.. or perhaps now that i am bored and have really nothing to do, there's nothing to block me from feeling it.
but for anyone that is mildly curious (or kaypoh for that matter) it does not involve other people. unfortunately i'm too self-absorbed to bother my heart about others. yes. it's about me. me memememememememe me. which might actually be the main problem.
my universe, perhaps is gravitating towards me. and that's not too good.
do you know what this means?
this mean's it's back to church i go upon my return from the lit trip.
you know, for a secular person, I rely pretty much on God.
To tell the truth I am disappointed, that you cannot grasp the fact that the world IS in fact, larger than you are. I had thought it was just an ego problem, but now I see its far worse.
and i don't know whether i can help you even if i wanted to.
but i don't want to clam up, but i feel like I am
just like how i hate abstract rhetorical, talking-to-the-wall posts but here I am.
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